Man's Best Friend
by mapplepie
Summary: There comes a time when a dog must fight a plant for the title of 'Man's best friend'. Pakkun and the ninken face off against Mr. Ukki in an 'epic' battle for Kakashi's love and affection.


_A/N: Remember four years ago when I said I was going to write is fic? Yup, it took this long to write. I started four years ago then got bored, and finally finished it a little while ago when I was looking though my unfinished files. Anyways._

**Man's Best Friend**

* * *

It is well-known that dogs are a man's best friend. It was an age proven fact, passed on throughout the centuries until it became a golden household phrase. It was a fact that Pakkun took for granted ever since Kakashi first summoned him.

He'd never expected anything to change.

But then _it _arrived.

Now, because of _it_, Pakkun had a problem. A seriously dreadful problem. A problem that was changing his whole way of life. You see, there was this plant. Not just any plant. It was a horrendously green thing that sat by Kakashi's bed and drew all of Boss' attention like it owned the whole place. And Kakashi let it!

It was terrible, that mind-washing beast with the cute little leaves. Boss was smitten with the thing.

Instead of lavishing Pakkun and his brethren with his love and affection like he'd always had, Kakashi spend most of his time talking to the thing like it was better than them! Better! Really! Who did that Mr. Ukki think he was?

Pakkun didn't know how Kakashi could be so taken up with that Ukki, especially when it was nothing against the magnificentness that were dogs. Pakkun was much more deserving of Kakashi than that manipulative lump of weed. Where else was there a pug as cute and exemplary as himself?

But no, that malicious little thing hand Kakashi eating out of the palms of his hands – or rather, leaves of his stem. It was up to Pakkun to save the day.

So, in order to fix everything that was wrong in the Hatake household, Pakkun declared war on Mr. Ukki.

**x**

"We need to show Boss that we're better than that thing."

Pakkun had dwelled long and hard on the subject before he laid out his finalized plans to the rest of the pack. By then, of course, they'd heard far enough of the topic from Pakkun's constant mutterings. It was no surprise that no one really wanted to encourage him.

Nevertheless, Pakkun's firm stare wouldn't allow them to squirm away. The pack eyed each other pointedly, urging each other to answer. Finally, Akino cleared his throat, paw swiping his face to adjust his black shades as he took the fall. "How?" he asked, sounding more apprehensive than curious.

Pakkun was more than happy to elaborate, seemingly ignorant to his pack's concern. "Simple; all we need to do is to show Boss the amazing things we can do, compared with Ukki's miserable failures," the pug said viciously.

There was a pause.

"Are we … competing against a _plant_?" Uhei's tentative voice spoke up.

Pakkun sent the greyhound a glare. "Don't you see what the smug little thing is doing?"

"Sitting on the windowsill?" the dog guessed wildly.

"He's just a plant," Akino pointed out.

Pakkun let out a long, irritated rumble from the back of his throat. "That's what he wants you to think," Pakkun growled eyeing the pack's uncaring forms in distaste. Here he was trying to fix the problem that was Ukki, and no one was backing him up.

"No, he _is_ a plant. You need some sleep. You've been helping Boss with too many missions lately."

"I'm not imagining things," Pakkun snapped, glaring at his brothers, "Haven't you noticed? Who is the first person Boss greets when he gets home? Who does he water before even feeding us?"

"Well…"

"Ukki, that's who," Pakkun answered when none of them would. "It should be us; we have seniority!"

"It's not like it takes long to water a plant," Uhei protested weakly.

"It's the principle of things!"

There was a long, long silence before the dogs finally let out a loud huff when it was clear Pakkun wasn't letting go of the issue. As blatantly reluctant as they could make themselves seem, the ninken finally agree. "Fine, what do you want us to do about it?"

Pakkun was either deliberately ignoring his brothers' actions or too caught up in his vengeance plan to notice. "I knew you'd see it my way. Leave it to me," he said with a self-assured laugh, baring his teeth into a dangerously sharp grin. "I know just the thing."

When Kakashi made it home in the evening after a torturous day with his cute little genins, he was greeted by the sight of his dog pack, all crowded around the door as he entered.

"Anticipating something?" Kakashi wondered curiously, stepping over the lot of them in a well-practiced move.

The gang trotted after him, dutifully by his heel. "How was your day, Boss?" Pakkun asked instead, pointedly ignoring his question. There were more important things on hand – and paw - , after all.

"Ahh, sometimes I wonder why I don't just throw them all off the Hokage Mountain," Kakashi said casually, looking much too contemplative of that idea.

"Why don't we listen to them?"

"Oh?" Kakashi asked as he turned into his bedroom, heading for the closet for a fresh shirt to change into.

"To your woes," the pug clarified as he clambered onto Kakashi's bed with the pack right behind him. "We'll listen to them."

Kakashi looked thoughtful, cocking his head as he regarded his pack. "Hmm, well, if you insist," he said slowly, stretching out the sentence like he expected Pakkun to retract his suggestion the moment Kakashi agreed. When nothing happened, Kakshi finally turned to study Pakkun, a visibly amused glint in his eye.

"What?" Pakkun snarled.

Kakashi dropped onto the bed beside them. "Nothing, nothing. Just wondering when you decided to change careers. A therapist canine?"

"Very funny."

The pack quickly separated, making room for their Boss. They moved to surround him in a heavy, piling circle, full of dog hair and drool. "So, your brats," Pakkun urged sprawled across Kakashi's lap, claiming the spot as he'd always done.

"Eager, are we?" the Jounin teased. The man settled down with a stretch, back popping as he pulled his arms above his head. "Alright," Kakashi finally said, leaning against Bull and placing a petting hand on Pakkun's spine, "where to begin with those three? They were being annoying as usual, so I forced another _exhilarating_ D-rank onto them …-"

When Pakkun opened his eyes next, the bright afternoon had dimmed into night. For a bleary second, Pakkun looked around cluelessly. Then, realising what was going on, he shot up from the warm bed, landing heavily on the floor.

It was nighttime. He fell asleep! How did this happen? Pakkun vaguely recalled resting his eyes as Kakashi droned on and on about the three miscreants in his team. And then, _nothing. _

Around Pakkun, the rest of the pack were sprawled unconsciously out on the bed as well, snores emitting with each breath. Kakashi was nowhere in sight. "Wake up," Pakkun snapped. The pug nudged each of them, desperately resisting the urge to kick them all off. "We fell asleep!"

"Ughh, sorry," Guruko murmured sleepily, rolling lazily onto his back and closing his eyes once more.

"It was so boring," Bisuke whined.

Pakkun let out a sigh, burying his face into his paws. He couldn't exactly complain, considering he agreed with that statement as well. Still, he knew better than to say it out loud. Shaking the last of the sleep from his mind, Pakkun hopped off the bed, sniffing the air in search of where Boss had disappeared off to.

He was half way out of the room when a flicker of green caught the corner of his eyes. Pakkun paused by the doorway, turning sharply towards the windowsill. There, Mr. Ukki sat in his pot, leaves swaying gently in the non-existent wind.

Ukki was silent, but if it could talk, Pakkun suddenly knew exactly what Ukki would say. Those derisive movements were telling enough – the thing was _patronising _him!

Pakkun glowered at it, stomping out of the room.

Behind him, Ukki continued swaying in front of his pack, continued to mocking them with his silent words. "_Good try dogs, but _I_ managed to listen to Kakashi's _whole_ story. Better luck next time," _Pakkun translated in his mind.

Pakkun hated that stupid little plant.

* * *

PAKKUN: 0, UKKI: 1

* * *

"We lost," Pakkun said needlessly at the start of yet another one of his pack's recent daily meetings. "What did I tell you about Ukki?" he snarled, cursing under his breath.

There were shrugs and relative degrees of grumbling and excuses that Pakkun ignored.

"Look, we need another plan," the pug said instead. "Another competition."

"Can't we just call it quits?" Guruko moaned under his paws.

"We lost," Pakkun said bluntly.

"So?"

The pug let out a loud exasperated huff, rolling his eyes. His pack just didn't get it. "Never mind," Pakkun muttered, turning his back to them. If he wanted anything done right, he had to do it himself. "I'll handle it this time," he murmured out loud. "Now if there's one thing dogs are good at…"

When Kakashi returned home from a day of teaching his miserable genin, Pakkun swallowed his dignity and clambered up his Boss' lap to spit out a rubber ball from his clamped jaw.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at it.

"Don't make me say it," Pakkun growled.

"Fetch?" Kakashi ventured amusedly. "I thought such things were beyond you, as you've repeatedly told me when I was younger." The amused smile stretched under Kakashi dark-coloured mask was too easy to pick up on. Pakkun clenched his teeth, trying to resist the urge to bolt away in his embarrassment.

"That was then. And this is a one-time offer."

Kakashi gave a thoughtful hum. "What's the occasion?"

"I'm in a good mood," Pakkun deadpanned harshly, rolling his eyes.

"I see."

"Take it or leave it."

"Now, now, don't be hasty," Kakashi said, finally snapping his filthy novel shut and sliding off from his chair. He grabbed the rubber ball. "I never said I wouldn't play with you," he said quickly to Pakkun's impatient tone.

"I'm playing with _you_. Get it right."

The Jounin chuckled. "Of course, Pakkun. How silly of me."

They relocated in Kakashi's bedroom a little later, as that room was least obstructed for a game of fetch. Pakkun had outright denied Kakashi the chance to even suggest going outside. It was one thing to suck up his pride and play _fetch_, and another to have people watching him do so. He was never going to live this down.

Fetch was mortifying for his self-esteem.

Dully, Pakkun trampled over to pick up the ball in his mouth for the third time that day. He spat it out onto Kakashi's open hand, feeling felt vindicated at the stretch of saliva he deposited with it.

"Good boy," Kakashi said jokingly. He patted Pakkun on the head, clearly ignoring the way the pug huffed at his praise. Pakkun just wished Kakashi would tire of the game already. Unfortunately, that seemed far from the case; Kakashi seemed to be enjoying his humiliation a little _too _much, in his opinion.

For the fourth time, in what seemed like a much, much too long of a day, Kakashi threw the ball once more.

The ball bounced a little harder this time, jumping off the ground at an odd angle as it hit a groove on the floor, spinning out of control. It seemed to be heading towards the window now. Pakkun pondered about leaping after it and catching the ball before it dropped by ledge and out the open window. Then again, that seemed like too much work. It wasn't his fault his Boss had bad aim.

With a shrug and a stretch, Pakkun stayed seated, turning lazily away from the ball that was guaranteed to roll out the window and down onto the busy street below. He had enough of 'fetch' anyways.

Kakashi make a little _tsk_ from the back of his throat when he saw Pakkun disregard his wild throw. The silver-haired man made to get up from his crosslegged crouch on the ground, only to freeze halfway up.

There was a '_thuk'_.

Pakkun turned sharply towards the sound. He didn't know what he was expecting to see, but it was definitely not the sight of that wretched tennis ball bouncing _back_ towards Boss. And he most definitely did not expect the wet round mark on the base of Ukki's plant pot, suspiciously matching the shape of the tennis ball, imprinted by Pakkun's lingering drool.

Kakashi caught the ball, a curved smiling eye above his masked face, "Why thank you, Mr. Ukki."

Pakkun growled inaudibly into his little paws in response. Ukki turned Pakkun's win into a tie so easily; turned out he couldn't let down his guard for even a second.

* * *

PAKKUN: 1, UKKI: 2

* * *

"That's it! I've had it with that weed!" Pakkun howled, pacing back and forth in front of the pack. "Urushi, Bisuke, Guruko, we're going all out," Pakkun commanded.

"What?"

"That little Ukki decided to butt in when he clearly wasn't wanted!" So alright, maybe Pakkun _had_ been bored already by that point and he was ready finish the game by then, but still! Ukki didn't have to step in like that! And then Kakashi smiled so _pleased_ at the wretched thing afterwards for cutting into their game.

Uhei was still skeptical when he finally gave into his curiosity and questioned Pakkun's new plan. "It's not something we're going to regret, is it?"

"Get some paper and brushes. We're going to see who can write better."

Pakkun might have just slightly lost it.

"I don't get it," Bisuke said.

Pakkun rolled his eyes. "I'm going to show Boss how elegantly dogs can write, and how _he_ can't," the pug said, jerking his paw to point over at Ukki.

"Writing?" Bisuke barked incredulously. "Why would Boss care?"

"It's useful!" Pakkun snapped succinctly, before kicking a closed jar of ink into Ukki's damp soil. "Now get to it. I want to finish this before Boss returns."

With that, the pack got to work, pulling out blank sheets for use.

A long piece of paper was slipped into Kakashi's gloved hands when he sat down in the kitchen table after a long day of teaching. The man accepted it without a second thought. "Thanks," he'd murmured instinctively, before pausing and staring at the thing he'd accepted. There were black inky lines crossing the page in oddly familiar strokes. "Uhh..."

"And here," Pakkun continued before his Boss could gather his bearings.

Kakashi blinked at it. "What's this?"

"Entry number two."

Kakashi picked it up between two fingers, eyeing it up and down like he expected words to suddenly appear. Pakkun might have imagined it, but there was a small spike of chakra as the man coursed some through the sheet as well. "It's blank," Kakashi said finally.

"I know."

"Thank you?" Kakashi repeated, voice hinting an octave higher in confusion. Pakkun stared at his Boss, but the man only flapped the two pieces of paper in the air before looking over at him once more.

"Well?" Pakkun barked expectantly.

Kakashi turned them over in his hand. At last, Kakashi asked kindly, "Do you want me to display it on the fridge?"

There was an audible growl from the back of Pakkun's throat. "No."

"Can it throw it out, then?" Kakashi tried next, sounding a bit too hopeful at that suggestion.

"No! Judge it," Pakkun barked out, stomping his paws onto the tiled ground in frustration.

"Pakkun, what do you want me to judge? One sheet has two shaky lines on it, and the other is blank." Kakashi held up the two sheets, indicating to each as he did so.

Nodding his head towards the first, Pakkun offered a helpful, "It says '_ka'_," before looking anxiously at Kakashi once more.

Kakashi studied the paper again. "I suppose it does," he man allowed, looking more like he was agreeing to placate the pug than anything else.

"So? Are you judging or not?"

"You want me to compare a 'ka' with a blank piece of paper…"

"Yes!"

The man let out a long, thoughtful hum before shrugging. "Maybe I like the blank paper better," Kakashi said, with a building grin behind his masked face, "It isn't covered with your slobber, despite your hard work at katakana."

"You try writing with your mouth!" Pakkun complained heatedly.

Kakashi let out a chuckle, shaking his head, "Maa maa, fine. I like your '_ka'_. I'm sure it was hard work, Pakkun. Thanks, whatever this is for."

Pakkun gave a satisfied grunt as he nodded sharply, trying to maintain an air of confidence, pretending like he knew that would have been Kakashi answer all along. "I knew you'd like it," Pakkun said, and then he wandered off, deliberately passing by his Boss' bedroom to send a curled, taunting smirk at Ukki.

* * *

PAKKUN: 2, UKKI: 2

* * *

It was a win, but Pakkun could hardly call it one; he won by the skin of his teeth. Pakkun supposed there might have been a rule out there about not persuading the judges in a fair fight, but hey, if Ukki had a problem with it, he could've complained _any time._

Either way, that win was too close for comfort. Pakkun wouldn't let it happen again.

Without further ado, Pakkun quickly laid out the plan for their next competition. He thought it was a brilliant idea, but the pack clearly weren't as impressed as he was.

"I think you're being unfair to Ukki. How can he cook? He can't move," Shiba said, perhaps a little too logically, considering Pakkun was competing against a _plant _of all things in the first place.

"Don't you underestimate him," Pakkun snarled, glaring at the green plant fluttering mockingly at him as he dragged the thing down from the windowsill and across the Boss' room. "If he can _fetch_," Pakkun said, hissing out that wretched word, "he can cook."

There were muffled coughs which sounded much too suspiciously like laughter, before Shiba shot another sardonic "_So_ unfair," at Pakkun.

The pug glared at him. "What's unfair is that he's manipulating you guys," Pakkun spat out, "You're pitying him now! Can't you see he's slowly garnering your support and manipulating you against me?"

"Can't you see he's just a stupid plant?"

"Can't you see we're actually _losing_ against that stupid plant?" Pakkun retorted back, just as heatedly. "I say we're having a cooking competition, and that's that," the pug concluded with a definitive nod of his head.

Pakkun jabbed a paw at Mr. Ukki, watching vindictively as the pot wobbled a hair away from tipping over. "Cooking competition, you hear?" he barked at it, "Kitchen. Ten minutes. Be there." And then he sauntered away.

The rest of the ninken shared a collective look with each other. "He does realise Mr. Ukki can't move, right?" Akino asked rhetorically.

"I don't think he cares…"

Eight minutes in, Mr. Ukki's ceramic pot landed with a solid thud on the kitchen countertop. Uhei gave a sneeze, shaking the dirt off his nose. "There," he snapped at the miniature pug sitting languidly on the table, "I've brought him, since you couldn't be bothered."

Pakkun sniffed uncaringly, looking down on the plant through half-lidded eyes. "He would've lost by default if he couldn't make his way to the ring before the match started," the pug muttered, turning away.

The so-called 'ring' in this case was the kitchen, right by the kitchen stove where a ferocious battle of culinary skills was about to commence. On the stove were two tall metal pots filled with water, each on its own burner turned up to maximum heat.

"We're making soup," Pakkun declared, nudging spices and various fruits and vegetables onto the center island of the kitchen. "Boss will judge it when he returns." He turned to his fellow canines. "Now give us the signal."

Urushi look warily at him. "You sure?" he said hesitantly.

"Just do it."

With a long pause, Urushi eventually gave in and murmured a quiet, cringing "_Start!"_

Pakkun grinned and immediately snapped up a wooden spoon to drop into his pot.

Let it be known that Pakkun didn't actually know how to cook. Honestly, that was given, seeing as he was a dog and all. Still, he was making better progress than Mr. Ukki.

The plant stood quiescently in spot while Pakkun hopped from counter to counter. The pug had a large eggplant in his mouth, which he threw straight into the pot with a dangerous splash. It was no secret that Boss loved eggplant miso soup. Pakkun didn't know how to make it, but he was pretty sure it involved eggplant at the very least, right?

"Don't you have to wash that?" Guruko commented from the sidelines.

Pakkun shrugged, attempting not to sneeze as he nosed through a pile of spices. "There's more than enough water in the pot. It'll be washed in there."

"I think you're supposed to wash it before you put it in the pot," he suggested.

"I'm saving myself a step."

"You're supposed to cut it before too," Bisuke put in.

Pakkun glared at them. "I know what I'm doing," he snapped. But really, that was a lie. He didn't.

Pakkun stomped back over to his pot. He gnawed on the lid of the jar of thyme he brought over with him, until it popped open. It was hard trying to sprinkle in spices while holding the small container in his mouth. The steam from the pot watered his eyes every second he hovered above it. Honestly, the lid _might have_ also fallen in by mistake, but surely that was fine. It was a small little thing. Maybe Kakashi wouldn't notice.

Pakkun spared a glance over at Mr. Ukki, still motionless as ever. If anyone were to ask, Pakkun would've told them that that wretched thing was frozen in fear, realising he was going to fail their latest competition.

Minutes ticked quickly by.

The soup in Pakkun's pot was suspiciously viscous by this point; a fact which Pakkun studiously tried to ignore. Stirring a pot of _water_ with a wooden spoon clamped between his jaws was one thing, but stirring a pot that wafted scents associated with food was another. It made Pakkun's mouth water instinctively, until he was essentially drooling into his entry.

But honestly, that wasn't his fault.

Kakashi's suddenly return home less than an hour into the competition was entirely expected. What none of the pack expected was for the man to dash straight into the kitchen the moment the door opened.

The man's nose was held in the air, sniffing, likely lured in by the smell. "What are you all doing?" he demanded, scanning the scattered pack draped around his kitchen table and chairs. He turned to where they were all facing. "Pakkun?"

The pug grunted. "This is-" the dog began, only to be cut off by his Boss.

The man's eyes were narrowed as he caught sight of what was standing opposite to the pug. "Pakkun! What is Mr. Ukki doing here?" Kakashi reached forwards to the burner beside his precious plant, quickly snapping it off. "Why is this on? What if he caught on fire!" Kakashi fretted, hands immediately snatching the pot away from the open flame of the stove.

"Good riddance," the pug muttered under his breath.

Kakashi wasn't listening, still fussing over his precious plant. "Why is Mr. Ukki here in the first place? It's too warm and dry. He'll dehydrate," the man continued.

"He's weak," Pakkun huffed. Though, if that was all it took to kill the damn thing, Pakkun would've done it ages ago. Kakashi was worrying over nothing.

Still, even if it was over nothing, Kakashi fussed and fussed, delicately twisting his leaves and inspecting the soil for dryness. Pakkun grumbled beside the stove, watching Kakashi make his way back into his room, Ukki's flower pot carefully cradled in his hands.

With a scoff, Pakkun snapped off his own burner and nudged his cooking pot into the sink. Well, that was the end of that. There was no point in this soup competition if Kakashi was going to be too busy with Ukki to judge anything.

If it was any consolation though, Pakkun supposed, he wasn't really sure he wanted to subject Kakashi to his "soup" in the first place. Honestly, he was actually quite wary of tasting his creation himself.

* * *

PAKKUN: 2, UKKI: 3

* * *

It was a few days later when Pakkun was struck by an epiphany. He leaped onto Kakashi's bed in haste, bounding towards the windowsill where one, Ukki, sat.

"Hey, you nasty little thing," Pakkun said in vicious cheeriness, prodding its pot with his hind leg, "I thought of the perfect challenge. You think you can beat me on this one?" There was stretching, toothy grin that showed off his sharp canines.

Before he could go on any further into the details of the new match, an ominous voice snapped out. "Is _that_ what's been going on?" it demanded from behind.

Pakkun jolted, head snapping backwards to the sight of silver hair. "Boss!"

"I knew you were acting odd lately. Competing against Mr. Ukki? What has he ever done to you, Pakkun?" Kakashi chided.

Pakkun bristled under the accusing tone. "There you go again!" Around the three of them, the rest of the pack slowly dawdled in, watching the proceeding.

"You're the older one," Kakashi pointed out.

Pakkun growled.

Kakashi studied the way Pakkun was baring his teeth at his plant, clear hate and jealousy in his beady eyes. The man sighed. "Stop this ridiculous competition. I love you both. It's a tie," Kakashi said. "Now make up with each other."

"It's not a tie yet," Pakkun hissed out lowly, "We can keep going."

Kakashi crossed his arm, looming over the dog. "It is a tie," the man declared resolutely, "That's final. Now make up with each other."

Kakashi's feet tapped on the tiled floor, dragging out the minute of silence even longer than ever. In the end Pakkun let out a grudging sigh. He reluctantly shot out a low apology to Mr Ukki. Kakashi nodded in acceptance, despite the dog's tone.

"Good," he said, turning to the rest of the pack, "And the rest of you?" he urged.

Guruko whined. "But we didn't even want to in the first place."

"It was Pakkun," another grumbled out, having no qualms tattling on the pug. Still, they followed suit and apologised under Kakashi's pointed stare.

With a huff, Kakashi finally took pity on his ninken and turned his disappointed gaze away from them. The Jounin proceeded towards the apartment door, ushering the pack out of his room as he headed back to his own business. "Now I hope you can all manage to get along while I go shopping?" he man lectured.

There were soft whining from the back of the dogs' throats as they agreed dejectedly.

Kakashi nodded in appreciation. "Good, because I promised I was going to buy the limited-time offer deluxe plant food they have in stock at Yamanaka Flowershop," Kakashi said, before _shunshin_-ing away.

The ninken curled up into a dog pile, drowning in their embarrassment, ready to nap the day away. Really, it was one thing to siege war against a plant, and another to be caught doing it. They were settled in and half drowsy before Bisuke sudden jumped up, startling the rest with his yelp.

"What is it?"

Bisuke stared at the empty area where the silver-haired man had just been a moment ago, disbelief in his voice, "Wait a minute, Boss always promises us steak, but he never actually goes out and _buys_ it for us!"

Pakkun growled under his paws, a glare shot in the direction of where Mr. Ukki was locked safely in Kakashi's room. "Well played," he muttered at it, "Well played, you devious green weed."

It showed how skilled Mr. Ukki was when even Kakashi didn't realise he was being played by that horrible little thing.

* * *

MATCH END: WINNER, MR. UKKI

* * *

_A/N: Ukki is superior, of course._


End file.
